Outcast

Illustrated by Ellie

My senior year of high school came. I was unofficially known as an outcast. It was clear that almost none of my classmates were interested in me or how I was doing. Although a few of them regularly said hi to me in the hallways, it never got further than that. I started to wonder why they wouldn’t really talk to me. Then it became clear. It was my autism. My autism had scared them off. This is the thing though; I never actually did anything that would somehow offend them. I was just going about my life and doing what I was supposed to do, which was going to class, paying attention, and doing the work. Apparently, this was not enough to make most of my classmates notice that I was a nice person.

I also think that part of the reason that most of my classmates avoided talking to me was because some of them from elementary school remembered how I used to be. How I used to have emotional outbursts in class. How I used to do things that were clearly socially inappropriate. How I used to struggle just in general. They don’t seem to realize these days that people can change and only reflect on the past. With years of hard work, I learned how to better manage my emotions at school and in general, and how to socialize better with other people. Most importantly, people often assume that autistic people can’t make progress. Well, news flash, they can.

In order to not have my classmates verbally bully me at school, I had to make sure that everything I said was socially appropriate. I was afraid that a socially inappropriate thing would come out of my mouth at school. I would have been the laughing stalk of my entire grade. Thankfully, I was never bullied to my face. However, as a result of the fear of bullying that I could have faced, I just didn’t talk to people my senior year. I stayed silent. I stayed away from the people who thought I was a weirdo.

I sat alone at lunch every single day my senior year of high school. That was nearly 40 weeks without anyone to turn to. I sat up at a counter, facing away from everyone. This is what I thought I had deserved. To not look at anyone.

I used to fear sitting alone. That people would make fun of me for it. Therefore, during my junior year of high school, I kept sitting with people, even though it was obvious that they didn’t care I was there. I tried joining their conversations and being social. But I failed. So, I just gave up. I started to sit alone. It was then that I learned that people were only focused on themselves, not on others.

It looked like from first glance that I wanted to sit by myself. Well, they’re somewhat right. It was easier to sit alone because I knew that people would not pay attention to me. There was no point. At the same time though, I didn’t choose to sit alone. I didn’t want to sit alone. I wanted more than anything to be included. But I had no other choice if no one in that cafeteria cared about me. I feared that they would ostracize me because I have autism.

The thing that bothered me the most is that no one cared that I sat alone. Not a single person. Everyone else cared more about their cliques or significant others while I just sat there and ate my lunch. Not a single person came up to me and said, “Hey Ellie, want to sit with me?”. How do people expect me to try to socialize if my classmates want nothing to do with me? Well, they expected nothing out of me. So, alone at that counter I sat.

UPDATE: I wrote this memoir in late 2020, which was during a time when I was struggling a lot with clinging on to the past, social anxiety, and accepting myself for who I am. It definitely did not help that it was during the Covid lockdown as well. In 2024, I am very proud to say that I have been actively working on putting the past behind me and strengthening my friendships and community connections I currently have. I am very thankful that I have made these friendships and community connections, as they have been the most welcoming and accepting experiences of my life. Long story short, the main message of publishing this memoir after almost four years is to not let your past (or current) struggles and insecurities define you as a person and to focus on the positive experiences in life. When I look back at this article today, I think “Wow! I have really come a long way with self acceptance!”

The lesson of the Story

The story “Outcast,” illustrated by Ellie, conveys a powerful lesson about resilience, self-acceptance, and the importance of moving beyond past struggles. Through Ellie’s experience as a high school senior with autism, the narrative highlights the challenges of social isolation and the unfair judgments that can stem from others’ misconceptions or outdated perceptions. Ellie’s peers distanced themselves due to her autism and memories of her earlier struggles, despite her growth and efforts to manage her emotions and socialize appropriately. This led to her sitting alone at lunch, grappling with the pain of exclusion while fearing further rejection.

The core lesson emerges, where Ellie reflects on her journey. She emphasizes the importance of not letting past or present struggles define one’s identity. By focusing on building meaningful friendships and community connections, Ellie demonstrates that personal growth and self-acceptance can overcome feelings of isolation and insecurity. The story encourages readers to let go of negative experiences, embrace their progress, and seek out positive, accepting relationships, showing that it’s possible to move forward and find belonging despite past challenges.